Top 5 Christmas Horror Movies-By Timmy Red

 Ahh the holidays, the bane of my mortal existence.  Every year
          the endlessly joyful and endlessly homogenous Christmas
          decorations and terrible tunes invade my life sooner and
          sooner (this year I took a picture of a Christmas display at
          Target on October 1).

          Though my personal grinchiness may taint the season a little
          for me there are certain things about it that I absolutely
          adore, for instance:

          Cookies- I was born with more of a savory tooth as opposed to
          a sweet one, but I will gladly eat almost every kind of
          cookie offered to me, and more than likely those that are not
          offered to me as well. Try not to turn your back on me for
          too long when cookies are around. It won't end well for
          anyone but me.

          Santa Claus- I derive massive amounts of joy from Santa
          mostly because our very own Alie here at Space Barbarians
          Productions has held a life long fear of him and each year
          brings new and more exciting ways to torture her with the
          imagery. **side note: My favorite role I have ever played was
          as a grizzled detective Santa "Red" in our radio drama "Santa
          Claus P.I.: Red Dreams
". Check it out, it's good.

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          ^Shameless self promotion

          Hot Spice Tea- I am convinced that my Mother is a witch.
          Besides being able to make even the most mundane foods taste
          like heaven, she somehow mixes up this powdery substance each
          year that makes the most wonderful spicy tea you will ever
          have. Nobody cooks that well with so little effort. If it
          were a different day and age I would burn her at the stake,
          but in this modern, progressive world I will just continue
          gaining 15 pounds or so each time I see her. Love you mom.
          Your secret is safe with me.

          And last but not least, my favorite thing about the Christmas
          season. Christmas Horror. Christmas horror is my personal
          favorite sub genre of film and so I figured with The holidays
          just around the corner, why not write the first of my
          list-based columns on the top 5 Christmas Horror films.
          Enjoy.

          5. Rare Exports:A Christmas Tale

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          This Finnish film tells the tale of a group of Reindeer
          Herders and their children who live next to a "sacred" site
          that scientists are for some reason dead set on excavating.
          This film goes into the darker mythology of Santa Claus and
          definitely plays with a lot of the imagery we have grown up
          around (most notably the typical image of Santa with the
          white beard) in exciting and original ways. It is a little
          slow to start, but my god, the third act of the film is one
          of my favorite things ever. The title of the film really does
          not make sense until moments before the credits roll, but the
          punch line is brilliant.

 

          4. Inside

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          What's worse than being pregnant and alone on Christmas Eve?
          Being pregnant and chased through your home by a woman with
          an extremely sharp pair of scissors on Christmas Eve of
          course. "Inside" aka "Al'interieur" carries with it enough
          blood and mayhem to make even the most hard to please gore
          hounds happy. If you have the stomach for it, Inside is
          absolutely worth a watch. Or if you are like me and just
          enjoy being a bad person from time to time, invite your
          friends that don't enjoy horror over to drink some red wine
          and watch a Christmas film. They may never speak to you
          again, but I guarantee their reactions will be worth it. Just
          make sure that you don't get your hands on the unbelievably
          nonsensical R rated cut of the film that cut over 7 minutes
          of runtime out. For shame censors, for shame.

          3. Christmas Evil aka You Better Watch Out aka Terror in
          Toyland

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          I've always been more partial to the original title of "You
          Better Watch Out" for this one. What a delightful little
          movie this is, it tells the story of a man who works a crappy
          job at a toy factory and lives a secret double life. At home
          he stays in his Santa outfit and dreams of becoming the next
          true Santa. He spends his time spying on people around him
          and deciding who to write in his Naughty/Nice list. He goes
          insane and begins to believe he actually IS Santa Claus which
          clearly does not bode well for those named on his naughty
          list. Unintentionally hilarious, and absolutely filled to the
          brim with bizarre situations, Christmas Evil is a must watch.
          It also holds my favorite final shot of any Christmas horror.

          2. Black Christmas (1974)

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          Perhaps the most famous of the Christmas horror films and
          actually a revolutionary film in the slasher genre. Black
          Christmas is the first slasher film* to use the POV shots for
          the killer as he stalks his victims, later popularized in
          John Carpenter's "Halloween". The film remains a successful
          and at times chilling experience due to it's understanding of
          the "less is more" philosophy of fear.  It was loosely remade
          in 2006 in a very stupid, but very fun re working of the
          original that is absolutely worth a watch (preferably under
          the influence of several drinks).

          *If we want to get technical here, and you are the internet
          so I'm sure you do, Peeping Tom was the first, but that was
          all seen through a camera lens, so there.

          1. Silent Night, Deadly Night

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          In my opinion this is truly the crown jewel of all Christmas
          horror. Every little piece of it comes together as a glorious
          unintentionally campy whole. Apparently the film was
          incredibly controversial simply because the ad campaign had a
          Santa Claus wielding an axe. Clearly this is a silly thing to
          get mad about when the film has so many other things in it to
          anger sensitive parents, including (but not limited to):
          Santa murdering a Father followed by raping and murdering a
          mother! Teenage unwed sex in a nunnery! Santa getting punched
          in the face by a terrified child! Filmed sexy dream sequences
          complete with FULL NUDITY (including the babelicious Billy
          (he has a great butt))! The previously mentioned dream
          sequences almost always end with Santa punishing those lusty
          unwed fornicators! And much more! Seriously though, it's
          hilarious and amazing and I love it.

          

          Honorable mention:

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          Seriously if you haven't seen Gremlins, you are a fool. Stop
          what you are doing and find a copy. "Gremlins" also has the
          distinct pleasure of being the only film on this list that is
          recommended for viewing with the whole family. Unless you
          hate your family, in which case, refer to number 4.

          That's all for now Christmas Creeps. May all of your screams
          come true this holiday season. Yuk yuk.

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          Love and damnation,

          -Timmy Red