Ahh the holidays, the bane of my mortal existence. Every year
the endlessly joyful and endlessly homogenous Christmas
decorations and terrible tunes invade my life sooner and
sooner (this year I took a picture of a Christmas display at
Target on October 1).
Though my personal grinchiness may taint the season a little
for me there are certain things about it that I absolutely
adore, for instance:
Cookies- I was born with more of a savory tooth as opposed to
a sweet one, but I will gladly eat almost every kind of
cookie offered to me, and more than likely those that are not
offered to me as well. Try not to turn your back on me for
too long when cookies are around. It won't end well for
anyone but me.
Santa Claus- I derive massive amounts of joy from Santa
mostly because our very own Alie here at Space Barbarians
Productions has held a life long fear of him and each year
brings new and more exciting ways to torture her with the
imagery. **side note: My favorite role I have ever played was
as a grizzled detective Santa "Red" in our radio drama "Santa
Claus P.I.: Red Dreams". Check it out, it's good.
^Shameless self promotion
Hot Spice Tea- I am convinced that my Mother is a witch.
Besides being able to make even the most mundane foods taste
like heaven, she somehow mixes up this powdery substance each
year that makes the most wonderful spicy tea you will ever
have. Nobody cooks that well with so little effort. If it
were a different day and age I would burn her at the stake,
but in this modern, progressive world I will just continue
gaining 15 pounds or so each time I see her. Love you mom.
Your secret is safe with me.
And last but not least, my favorite thing about the Christmas
season. Christmas Horror. Christmas horror is my personal
favorite sub genre of film and so I figured with The holidays
just around the corner, why not write the first of my
list-based columns on the top 5 Christmas Horror films.
This Finnish film tells the tale of a group of Reindeer
Herders and their children who live next to a "sacred" site
that scientists are for some reason dead set on excavating.
This film goes into the darker mythology of Santa Claus and
definitely plays with a lot of the imagery we have grown up
around (most notably the typical image of Santa with the
white beard) in exciting and original ways. It is a little
slow to start, but my god, the third act of the film is one
of my favorite things ever. The title of the film really does
not make sense until moments before the credits roll, but the
punch line is brilliant.
What's worse than being pregnant and alone on Christmas Eve?
Being pregnant and chased through your home by a woman with
an extremely sharp pair of scissors on Christmas Eve of
course. "Inside" aka "Al'interieur" carries with it enough
blood and mayhem to make even the most hard to please gore
hounds happy. If you have the stomach for it, Inside is
absolutely worth a watch. Or if you are like me and just
enjoy being a bad person from time to time, invite your
friends that don't enjoy horror over to drink some red wine
and watch a Christmas film. They may never speak to you
again, but I guarantee their reactions will be worth it. Just
make sure that you don't get your hands on the unbelievably
nonsensical R rated cut of the film that cut over 7 minutes
of runtime out. For shame censors, for shame.
I've always been more partial to the original title of "You
Better Watch Out" for this one. What a delightful little
movie this is, it tells the story of a man who works a crappy
job at a toy factory and lives a secret double life. At home
he stays in his Santa outfit and dreams of becoming the next
true Santa. He spends his time spying on people around him
and deciding who to write in his Naughty/Nice list. He goes
insane and begins to believe he actually IS Santa Claus which
clearly does not bode well for those named on his naughty
list. Unintentionally hilarious, and absolutely filled to the
brim with bizarre situations, Christmas Evil is a must watch.
It also holds my favorite final shot of any Christmas horror.
Perhaps the most famous of the Christmas horror films and
actually a revolutionary film in the slasher genre. Black
Christmas is the first slasher film* to use the POV shots for
the killer as he stalks his victims, later popularized in
John Carpenter's "Halloween". The film remains a successful
and at times chilling experience due to it's understanding of
the "less is more" philosophy of fear. It was loosely remade
in 2006 in a very stupid, but very fun re working of the
original that is absolutely worth a watch (preferably under
the influence of several drinks).
*If we want to get technical here, and you are the internet
so I'm sure you do, Peeping Tom was the first, but that was
all seen through a camera lens, so there.
In my opinion this is truly the crown jewel of all Christmas
horror. Every little piece of it comes together as a glorious
unintentionally campy whole. Apparently the film was
incredibly controversial simply because the ad campaign had a
Santa Claus wielding an axe. Clearly this is a silly thing to
get mad about when the film has so many other things in it to
anger sensitive parents, including (but not limited to):
Santa murdering a Father followed by raping and murdering a
mother! Teenage unwed sex in a nunnery! Santa getting punched
in the face by a terrified child! Filmed sexy dream sequences
complete with FULL NUDITY (including the babelicious Billy
(he has a great butt))! The previously mentioned dream
sequences almost always end with Santa punishing those lusty
unwed fornicators! And much more! Seriously though, it's
hilarious and amazing and I love it.
Seriously if you haven't seen Gremlins, you are a fool. Stop
what you are doing and find a copy. "Gremlins" also has the
distinct pleasure of being the only film on this list that is
recommended for viewing with the whole family. Unless you
hate your family, in which case, refer to number 4.
That's all for now Christmas Creeps. May all of your screams
come true this holiday season. Yuk yuk.
Love and damnation,